“ALL CHILDREN ARE BORN TO GROW, TO DEVELOP, TO LIVE, TO LOVE, AND TO ARTICULATE THEIR NEEDS AND FEELINGS FOR THEIR SELF-PROTECTION.” ALICE MILLER
SESSION PARTICIPANTS: Foster-Adoptive Caregivers
SESSION TIME: 100 minutes
- To set clear expectations for youth and be consistent with consequences
- To be able to develop a firm, yet nurturing parenting style
Materials for the Participant’s Folder:
Introduction (10 minutes)
- General welcome and facilitator introductions
- Introduction of today’s topic on building trust and a secure attachment
- If conducting in a group format, ask each member of the group to share the following:
- Child(ren)’s ages
- Are you fostering or adopting the child(ren)? If adopting, where are you at in the process?
- One parenting goal the group member has for today’s session (Note: The facilitator should give participants a few minutes to think about the goal before asking them to share)
Skills of the Day: Setting Realistic Expectations Based on Age (20 minutes)
Say: Parenting foster children can be challenging at times. Foster children have experienced many transitions in their lives and need security, consistency, and nurturance. As foster or adoptive parents, your foster child’s behaviors and reactions may be inconsistent with what you had imagined or incongruent with where they are at developmentally. Today we will talk about your child's developmental stage and how you can tailor your expectations to meet your child where they are.
- Say: Adolescent development is the path of growing up and involves learning and mastering certain skills or tasks. We like to call these tasks developmental milestones. I want you to take some time to explore the chart below to understand what milestones your teen should reach and what you can do as a parent to help get them there.
- Say: In this video, a foster mother talks about meeting her foster daughter where she is developmentally and accepting her foster daughter for who she is, even when her behavior is incongruent with her age. Tailoring your expectations to meet your child’s needs helps build a sense of security for both you and your child.
- Ask: Reflect on your expectations for your foster child. Are they too high or too low? What are ways you can tailor your expectations to meet the needs of your child?
- Say: Taking into consideration developmental age, let’s watch this video from a therapist who works with foster youth and learn how to be consistent, firm, and predictable as parents.
- Description: Dr. Erin Dornan addresses setting clear expectations for youth and being consistent when it comes to consequences
- Ask: Dr. Erin Dornan emphasizes being firm, consistent, and predictable. What is a discipline or consequence you can set in your home that embodies those three qualities?
Understanding the Underlying Emotions that Shape Behaviors (40 minutes)
Say: Now that we have a better understanding of where your child is developmentally, let’s take a look at ways we can better understand his or her emotions and cognitions. First, it’s important to remember that it is normal for foster children to have behavioral problems due to the transitions and the trauma they have experienced. Behaviors are shaped by thoughts and feelings and we will focus on better understanding the underlying feelings/emotions that shape these behaviors. We have created a tool to help put words to both you and your child’s feelings. This is a helpful tool for families to communicate their feelings to each other.
- Say: Kids may have negative reactions to the adjustment of living in a new home. This video with Dr. Audra Langley of TIES for Families will help us understand that a
child’s feelings/behaviors are not to be taken personally, but instead understood. The tools below will help you understand your child’s reactions to things.
- Say: The Feeling Thermometer helps you communicate and track your feelings each day. It measures feelings on a scale of comfortable (green) to uncomfortable (red). Using the thermometer, you can measure the intensity of your feelings and note how different intensities affect you.
- Ask: Where are you on the Feeling Thermometer right now?
- Ask: How do you know when you are moving up the Feeling Thermometer?
- Refer to My Child’s Emotions handout. Ask: What are cues your child gives you when they are moving up the Feeling Thermometer (green to orange)?
- Ask: As a parent, your emotional state has a big impact on your children. How do you bring yourself down the Feeling Thermometer? How do your foster children come down the Feeling Thermometer?
- Say: “Green” is the place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, calm, and at peace. There are a lot of ways on this list to get to green.
- Ask: Please circle ways you and your child can get to the green together or individually. How can you support each other to get to the green?
- Ask: What are ways you can get to the green in your family that is not included on this list?
Finding a Place to Talk About Feelings (20 minutes)
Say: Family meetings are a great opportunity for open communication among family members. They are also a perfect time to discuss upcoming events, address conflicts, or clarify expectations for youth. The worksheet below summarizes how to ensure your family meeting goes smoothly. Bring the Feeling Thermometer and introduce it to your children at the next family meeting. Let them know this is going to be a new activity where everyone can express where they are at on the thermometer every day!
- Optional: view How to Hold a Family meeting video
- Ask: Where can you hold this family meeting?
- Ask: Considering the information that we covered today, what would be a topic that you could discuss at the family meeting?
- Examples include: Feeling thermometer, getting to the green examples
- Ask: What are your thoughts on sharing the Feeling thermometer with your child(ren)? What are ways you could teach it to your child? What are ways you could teach the getting to the green strategies during the family meeting?
- Ask: Considering your child's developmental stage, what are ground rules you can establish at the beginning of the meeting?
- Examples include: Listening to others, being respectful of what each person has to say, etc.
- Remind the caregiver of the key takeaways of this session:
- Foster children have experienced many transitions in their lives and need security, consistency, and nurturance.
- As foster or adoptive parents, your foster child’s behaviors and reactions may be inconsistent with what you had imagined or incongruent with where they are developmentally.
- It is important for foster parents to meet their child where they are developmentally; Remind parents that an adolescent’s chronological age may not match their developmental age.
- In order to develop a firm yet nurturing parenting style, we need to understand our children’s behaviors and emotions. The Feeling Thermometer is a great way to talk about emotions at home.
- Utilize the Feeling Thermometer, Getting to the Green, and How to Hold a Family Meeting to help set up family rules and strengthen your parenting skills.
- Ask the caregiver to set and share a parenting goal to practice during the next week.
- Ask the caregiver to discuss one thing they will take away from today’s session.